Maundy Thursday 2008

I have called you friends

One of the best definitions of friendship I know is from a Scottish philosopher John Macmurray: “To be a friend is to be yourself for another person.” Friendship cannot be programmed or forced but happens when two or more people have the courage simply to be who they really are. When someone loves the real me, the person behind the persona, professional façade, my hidden true self, then I gain the courage and will to love in return. We are supposed to get that kind of unconditional love from our parents but many of us and if not, we may spend many years coming to believe that anyone can really love the real me.

It is in my experience that friendship has both a physical and a transcendent quality. It is physical because it is embodied in a human person. It is transcendent because it offers love in an unconditional, mutually affirming way. It lifts me from wherever I am to some higher plane. My friends can see my strengths and weaknesses and help me to move from a place of confusion to clarity, from despair to hope.

Friends do not keep score. Friends serve one another without expecting anything in return. When friends talk, there is no effort to play games of best or better than, to win the debate, or to control the thoughts or feelings of the other. Friends can forget the persona, the pretence of being whatever they are expected to be by norms of society or religion or profession. Friends can be!

In marriage preparation, I talk to couples about being friends. Eric Erikson a renowned psychologist identified three crucial developmental tasks for the adult: achieving identity or the sense of self; achieving intimacy or the capacity to transcend the self in self-giving love; and the fruition of selfhood and relationship in generativity or the undertaking of caring responsibility for the next generation through physical or spiritual parenting. The most common means through which adults grow into their full self-awareness and their capacity to transcend self and care for another is in a committed relationship. This does not mean that every person achieves these stages easily or at the same pace. It is often the case that we cycle around these developmental stages, hopefully with a positive spiral but rarely do we advance in a linear fashion and sharp slope. Friendship offers the foundational context in which this occurs. It is good and right that married partners are friends, but it is also good and right that two friends mutually support one another in positive ways.

Friends care. They do not have to care but they are genuinely concerned, committed to our best interest. When we hurt, they hurt; when we are happy, they are too. A friend may not be able to be nearby all the time but they can be in communication. With email, phones, mail systems in place, we have little excuse to be absent from our friends.

The author of Genesis is right to observe: “it is not good for man/woman to be alone.” I am introvert and spending time alone is a great thing for me. I like to read, walk, fish alone. I need time of solitude in order to be “on” for significant blocks of time. Being with one friend, hiking, talking, sharing, letting the conversation bring forth whatever is incubating, rumbling around inside my head, is therapeutic. One friend calls it taking out the trash: the long walks with free conversation – no agenda – no timeline – no fixed topic.

We can fall into self-deception and self-adsorption if we do not allow others to be our friend. Every one of us has the capacity to love and be loved, because we are made in the image of God who is love. As Father, Son, and Spirit, God’s very being is relational. We are designed for relationships and true friendships.

Friendships do not just fall into our lives. Tue friendship has a miraculous quality to it – a means of grace – a sacrament. Friendships develop deliberately by individuals with enough human maturity to be capable of intimacy and free enough to love. God wants us to know how much we are loved and friendship is one means through which God’s love becomes real.

In the sense that we share our spiritual journey with a friend often leads us to refer to such persons as spiritual friends. A spiritual friend is someone with whom we can explore our faith and our doubts (often the same thing), our hopes and fears, our desires and sense of longing. We celebrate God’s presence and action in our lives or the sense of absence at times. We are free to talk about our sense of call or sense of emptiness, our frustration, confusion, and our spiritual friend helps us by giving us a new perspective. The friend can challenge us, stir up our imagination, quiet our fears, maybe even bring to light a new sense of hope. A spiritual friend helps us say yes to the call to empty ourselves, to accept the cross, to let go of some burden and even die a little to self. They know us well enough to blow the whistle when we are giving in to self-destructive behavior and turn us toward God. We all need encouragement and affirmation. We need to be loved even when we fail to live up to our full potential or to live faithfully.

I visited with a friend who is dying last week. She was cheerful and so happy to talk. The subjects covered her children, grandchildren, and times of joy and events of great sorrow. We laughed and enjoyed the time we had together. She told me about a call from a member of her parish who complained the entire time she was on the phone. My friend, said, I can’t tell you why such terrible things happen, but I am going to God, very soon, and I’ll put in a word for you with the one who knows all things and loves you just as you are. She laughed. She hosted her own wake at the parish and 163 people showed up. Showing up and being really present is the gift of self we can offer in true friendship.

Jesus had friends: Mary Magdalene, Martha, Lazarus, Peter, and the Beloved Disciple. The one whom he loved leaned against Jesus at the Last Supper. One friend betrayed him and another denied him and several failed to stand by him in the hour of trial. Those acts of infidelity did not cancel Jesus’ commitment in friendship. Knowing who would not be able to stand the “heat” of Roman courts or the horror of crucifixion, Jesus did not condemn any of his friends for their weakness. After supper with them, he got up from dinner, tied a towel about his waist and washed their feet. The humble act of service underscores the unconditional love between friends. We may not understand or do everything we could for the other, but love is deeper than mere actions. Love is a way of living and love gives our lives meaning.

It is only when we experience for ourselves the presence of Jesus saying to us, “You are my friend” (Jn 15;14), that we can begin to build friendships based on his call to “love one another…just as I have loved you.” (Jn 13;34).